UNCENSORED

manic -adjective
“very excited or anxious(= worried and nervous)in a way that causes you to be very physically active”

Pro note; in other words, any exhausted parent!

I’m a proud mother of four crazy, fun, amazing, and smart little human individuals that drive me absolutely nuts, without a doubt. Not only am I a mother, I’m a wife, a entrepreneur and an aspiring career women. If only the walls and trees could talk my life story would be unfolded.

However Let’s start w/ the untold facts that everyone is terrified of telling; I am in my 30s and am learning to be the mother I never had.

I question and think to myself is this normal?
Just like 80% of people on earth do.
But Is it normal to keep so many secrets from my older children?! Is this protecting them or making them oblivious of real life. (Every mothers fear)

My oldest child asked me about my childhood experiences recently, and why I had so many mothers.. my words were instantly taken.

It was a thousand daggers transitioning and coming full force to chop my heart into a million portions.
Of course I know he’s growing, time is definitely a thief but never did I see those questions coming, next Deja vu hit me like a damn train and I thought to myself Love is not judgemental love is passionate, patient and most of all courageous.

I remembered begging my biological mother at that same age asking her to tell me about my father. The things my heart always wondered about, his town, my family, my sisters, and brothers that I never met. I searched for anything that would get me back to the house and streets that was once walked on, as a child holding my doll.

I knew one thing for sure after that, I didn’t want the same for my son. I didn’t want him to feel like there was a piece of him missing. The pain, the questions we are tormented by as adults. Truth be told, as soon as I turned 18 I left the country to go track a ghost, that I knew nothing about. I was at a standstill that continuously led down numerous dead ends.

Unfortunately to this day, those are just memories of another life I’ve lived in this lifetime. My wounds have been healed but they will forever remain as unanswered questions/scars. The reality to this day is I have no idea where his final resting place is. All I know is that he died a painful death. Of course, there will always be past emotions and trauma lingering around in the shadows waiting to jump out that’s the universe’s way of spicing things up.